Posted on by Hella Moone

Day 14: People in Detroit are Losing their S***

It’s a wonderful Sunday, because I don’t have to work tomorrow 🎉

Today marks two weeks of no pot. Actually, I’m loving it! I feel smarter- and more confident. And I treated myself to a ridiculously expensive sweat outfit (Aviator Nation- I love the feel & quality of this brand). I’ve been eying it since before Christmas and splurged because I’m doing great with this and haven’t been and won’t go to the dispensary.

I’ve been thinking about the space I’m making by purging this, along with all the pesky thoughts about quitting and/or feeling guilty about it. Space that’s now open for wonderful and magical things.

I can see now, how my monkey mind has benefits. It makes me think that for some reason our egos do everything they can to take away our best skills and power. I regret now, quieting it for years, but won’t dwell in those feelings. Moving on.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my sober book- my sober story. I think it’s time to complete it. Instead of worrying about how I’ll address my pot use, I get to tell all the details of my experience with it, and the joy that came with letting it go. Don’t worry, let’s get real. By the time it’s written, edited & published I will have been off pot for almost two years, enough time for it not to be considered “early sobriety.”

Additionally, I’ll get to write about my work Christmas party, which was a multifaceted learning experience.

My word (phrase) for 2024 was Simply Rich. I’m changing it to Simply Iconic. Because this year will be filled with greatness, and the word Iconic keeps coming up- repeatedly.

Speaking of iconic, there is a football game on that may be considered Iconic. I’m not a sports fan, but my social media is blowing up about the Detroit Lions.

I thought it was silly from the beginning (of their long overdue winning streak) but when I found out what all the excitement is about regarding today’s game, I was floored.

Apparently they haven’t been in the playoffs for like 100 years. They are still up against 12+ teams and if they lose tonight, they are OUT.

Did they really have the bar set so low, that one playoff game is going to cause mass hysteria?

I mean, people on my FaceBook are claiming that this is the game of a lifetime 😵‍💫 I really just don’t understand sports, at all 🤷🏼‍♀️.

Well, I wanted to give a two week update. I couldn’t be happier with how I feel, mentally & physically.

If you want to quit something, I urge you to do it sooner rather than later. I also recommend focusing on all the positives that come with it, instead of dwelling on what you miss.

You might be surprised at all the good that will come your way 🩷

Posted on by Hella Moone · 2 Comments

Day 11 on 1/11

Today marks day 11 of no weed!

So far, it’s been easy 🙌🏻

I think it was mainly a habit. It didn’t alter my mind much at all (I built a high tolerance), but sure made me hungry and lazy!

The first night I thought a little bit about it, not so much the 2nd night & by the third night I was like, “eh, pot, what’s that again?”

I don’t want to downplay it. It feels good to be free of it. People say it’s harmless and non addicting, but I disagree with both those statements.

Also, the last time I quit, it was for about 30 days. I didn’t notice any difference except for some crabbiness so I started up again. Now that I’m learning more, I’m realizing that I should have given it more time. It takes longer than 30 days to physically detox from it, let alone the mental detox.

I guess the only negative was a rough start going back to work. Monday was day 8 and I had horrible work anxiety. My stomach hurt from Sunday until Wednesday. It could have been the flu, but likely withdrawals from weed. On Monday & Tuesday I was shaking going into work from nervousness. No matter how stressful it’s gotten, I’ve never had work anxiety like that!

By Wednesday I was almost my peppy self walking into work. I felt energetic and optimistic for the first time this week. I was relieved- I wasn’t sure if work anxiety was going to be a norm as a sober person. Last time I quit was during summer and I didn’t have to think about work at all.

My brain feels a little sharper and that makes me feel good ☺️

That’s about it. Today is Thursday and I sure can’t wait for the weekend. It’s a 3 day weekend due to MLK day – hooray!! 🎉🎉

A Weed Haiku

Weed was my old friend

I realized it destroys me

I’d rather feel good

Posted on by Hella Moone

Our Nice Reliant Automobile

It’s been said that all emotions come from love or fear.

Early in my sobriety, I went to AA meetings and tried working the steps numerous times. I always got hung up on step 4. I couldn’t remember what I ate for lunch yesterday, how the heck was I supposed to remember everyone who had done me wrong throughout my life?

Triggers.

As it turns out, I didn’t have to remember anything. I just had to pay attention to my emotions. Why did I find myself stuffing my face mindlessly hours after a family party? Why did a simple conversation with a friend end with me feeling angry and mistreated?

Triggers. We’ve all got them, and they are huge clues to digging deep and uncovering the things that deeply bother us from our past.

I’ve been digging for years and feel that I’m kind of at the bottom of the barrel. I’m pretty even keeled and find myself stuffing my face mindlessly less and less as time passes.

One thing that I’ve been thinking about lately has to do with two negative feelings I get, fairly frequently. First of all, I often feel sorry for people. This can be for a number of reasons big and small. My heart might ache after finding out someone close to me suffered a great loss. My heart can equally ache when thinking about someone I know or love has to make a decision, or has to do something that is undesirable.

This sometimes happens when my 20 year old talks about what his friends are going through. One young man came home to find a note from his dad that said he left for the weekend to get married & to please watch the dog. The friend was struggling a bit with the situation & my heart just ached for him. The marriage was a complete surprise to him.

Those sad feelings come sometimes during equally silly situations, whereas normal people wouldn’t feel bad at all. Where was this sadness coming from and why?

The second thing that I’ve been noticing that brings up bad feelings has to do with money. I feel so sad sometimes when I see people having to make decisions based on cost. Or if they can’t afford something.

We were out to eat yesterday and my son’s girlfriend was ordering food to bring back to her mom and aunt. She was texting them food and prices, but everything was too much and she asked if we could stop at McDonalds. This brought up those sad feelings. And can we just acknowledge that maybe the mom and aunt could very well afford anything- maybe they just didn’t want to spend it on food?

I don’t know where this is coming from, except maybe feeling guilty for things that I can afford. It’s been a long time since we’ve had to choose a meal or restaurant based on the price- maybe seeing that brings me back?

I really don’t know, and I still don’t know after thinking about it and talking it through with a couple people I’m close to.

Hubby and I had our share of financial struggles throughout our marriage. We’ve made plenty of choices based purely on cost. We worked hard for many years to be financially stable.

We drove junky cars for years. We even bought a K Car- which was dubbed, “A nice, reliable automobile” in the Barenaked Ladies song, If I had a Million Dollars. A K car was a cheap car, sold in like the 80’s I think, maybe early 90’s too- but it was known to be a solid little car.

Well, back in 2003 we needed a car and found an old K car for sale for about $400 bucks. One of the side mirrors was taped to it, but it ran okay. We drove it for years, until finally it died in the middle of the freeway while hubby was commuting to work. Our cars breaking down was not an abnormal event- it was fairly common back then.

Additionally, we’ve noticed a phenomenon that has taken place. Back when we were broke, we would sometimes get frustrated at how much help some of our friends or family got. For example, our siblings and us were having babies around the same time. His sister and my sister were not working, got aid from the state and both had their deliveries 100% paid for.

Hubby and I were working and going to school. We were also paying a lot of money for health insurance. After having our baby, we got a big bill. I don’t remember how much it was- probably the amount of our deductible, maybe about $2,000 but it seemed irritating that we were working so hard, yet had a big bill to pay while it seemed like everyone else got a free ride.

The sad thing is to see the same people now. Some are doing well, but honestly, most of them are in the same place- living paycheck to paycheck and going job to job.

Now that we can see the big picture, it’s not so maddening that we didn’t get more help.

We know that we’ve worked hard and we are proud of the life that we’ve built.

I guess I just want everyone to have this. Also, I really am beginning to think that deep down, I don’t feel deserving- or good enough to have it better than some people.

Feeling so sad and sorry for people often does no good at all. I don’t want people feeling sorry for me and can’t imagine that most people would be happy if they knew I felt sad for them- mostly for stupid and unimportant reasons. It’s almost as though my ego just wants me to feel bad, for any old reason at all.

Not feeling good enough and deserving is a huge trigger for many people. Most of us get the message from our parents, when they yell at us or berate us (or even our perception of them berating us- I don’t believe that’s the original intention- but it’s a side effect that’s common).

I don’t really know how to get past these sad and guilty feelings that come- but I’m going to continue to dig.

These may not be triggers that bother me enough to come home and stuff my face, but they are still bothersome to me and I don’t like feeling them.

That’s been on my mind, so I figured maybe writing it out would help get some of the “ick” out of me. We’ll see.

I would love to keep writing, but it’s after 6:00 am on Monday morning and I have to get ready for the first day back to work after break. I’m feeling incredibly anxious about going back- although I try to tell myself I’m overreacting and everything will be fine.

I’m so happy to report that today is Day 8 of no weed! I’m still sleeping kind of poorly, but other than that the side effects of quitting have been positive.

I’ve gotten many small things done this week that I’ve been putting off forever- even though I think I had a bug and was tired and nauseous for several days. I had more motivation. Also, my appetite has been down, no more munchies and the scale has gone down 5-10 pounds (I fluctuate). I haven’t felt cranky or short fused, in fact I’ve felt pleasant, I think my spirit is really happy that I finally did this. Also, I don’t want to jinx it, but I haven’t had really many cravings. I think it was more of a habit than anything, and I don’t ever want to go back to daily use.

Okay, happy Monday 😍

Posted on by Hella Moone · 1 Comment

Day 3

It’s a cold, drizzly Wednesday evening here. It’s been a good week- a relaxing one. I haven’t gotten much done, but hopefully will be more productive the next few days. If not, I’m okay with it.

Today I couldn’t do much- I was just not well. I should have known I was off because when I get up in the morning, the first thing I do is feed the pets, let them out, etc. Not today. I got up and was super cold. When I walked into the living room the fire was going (it’s on a thermostat). Instead of going to the kitchen, I plopped in front of the fire. Then I moved to the couch and watched some TV before doing anything.

I drank a smoothie and took a shower a little bit later. I was energetic (wasn’t thinking I was sick) and dancing and singing in the shower. While getting dressed I got a super heavy feeling in my chest that felt like it was pushing me down to the floor. Sometimes I”m hypoglycemic, so I checked my blood sugar, but it was 88 which I think is pretty normal (when I’m low it’s usually somewhere 30’s/40’s/50’s). The icky feeling stayed.

Hubby and I had plans to go out to eat and then to the La-Z-Boy store. I really wanted to go, so I pushed through my ill feelings. I have no idea what’s wrong. I feel so cold like I have a fever, but my temperature is normal. I’m wondering if it’s physical withdrawal symptoms from quitting weed. Physically, I was feeling great until today. Mentally, I’ve been feeling awesome that I’m not doing it. Who knows.

I’m not doing such a great job of simple living! Hubby and I just splurged on furniture for our living room and basement. We are so happy with what we picked out!

I don’t feel too guilty though for many reasons. First of all, we have NEVER picked out furniture, and we’ve been married for 22 years. Early in our marriage we were broke and picked a sofa off the curb to furnish our first house.

Early in our marriage hubby got a new job at La-Z-Boy. He works at the world headquarters in Monroe. They used to have a warehouse where faulty furniture was sent. They sold it to the employees for cheap- but you had to put your name in a pool and if they drew your name you could buy whichever piece you signed up for.

Consequently, we’ve had nice La-Z-Boy furniture from that warehouse, but we’ve never chosen the style or colors of what we were getting.

Our current furniture is old and worn. We’ve been talking about replacing the set for over a year. Our cat was having his sneezing problem though, and was making a mess on the furniture sometimes so we said we’d wait till he got over that problem. Sadly, we lost him last March.

We’ve also been talking about making a Zen room downstairs (it’ll be my ‘Zen Den’ ☺️). Our basement is long and narrow. On one end we have it set up for the kids with an old sectional and projector. The other end is probably my favorite place in this house. There’s a fireplace, the lighting is good (for a basement) and it’s very cozy. Right now it’s a mess with random items plus our workout machines.

I’ve wanted to redo that room forever! We’ve known we wanted a sectional down there, and finally pulled the trigger yesterday. I LOVE what we got. It comes in pieces so we were able to configure it the exact way we want. It has a lounge on one end and has a fold out bed (with a memory foam mattress- so it’s actually comfortable).

I am so excited to start painting that room! I’ve hated the current green color SO much! I love to hang out in that room and can’t wait until it’s clean and has warm/neutral colors. We picked out this first and I was so happy (and felt like I got exactly what I wanted) so I was going to be less picky about the living room furniture (was going to let hubby get his choice). I’m so happy though, because we found a set that we both love. That never happens with us!

It’s been a long time that I’ve been feeling like we’re living in a dump. This purchase feels good, like we’re finally getting the ball rolling with improving this home. Normally, it takes us a long time to make a big decision.

We still have a lot to do, but it feels good to get started. Maybe this will help get me out of this stagnant funk.

So even though it goes against my reuse/repurpose/recycle promise, it’s okay. Actually, it’ll probably help us with urges to buy random stupid things that we don’t really need now that we need to save money. Sometimes the bang you get for your buck is worth it. Now I just have to stop buying frivolous crap!

The reason why I wrote, though, is to talk about Day 3. It’s been great, so far. I haven’t thought much about wanting to do it. Night is the most dangerous time. My thoughts these past couple nights have been grateful for a clear head, to be totally present and not falling asleep while watching TV. I really haven’t had any cravings or urges. It’s like I’m determined and nobody will stop me, HAHAHA! Not even Betsey or my frickin’ ego!

Work vacation is winding down. I have four more days then doom. I don’t love what I’m going back to. Our new special ed teacher is getting two new students on Monday. She only has two students right now, because they have so many needs. The new ones have many needs too and I think I’m going to be alone with my group most of the morning, probably on Monday and moving forward, whereas I’m used to having 1-2 other adults helping out. Looks like I’m gonna have to get creative.

On top of that stress, I got an email from my coworker nemesis today about testing. We have to test students this month and she is doing it the week we get back (WHY that week, I will never know). I have to test the students I see from her classroom separately in a small group. I wonder how I’m going to test them and teach my regular group at the same time. I’m trying not to think or stress about it, but it won’t leave the back of my mind. I really don’t like to make noise or make a stink at work, but it looks like I’m going to have to do some complaining and maybe some begging.

I don’t have any exciting plans from now until Monday. Hoping to be at least a little productive, but I’m going to be kind to myself if not. I’m consciously giving myself lots of grace because I’m only on Day 3 of making an important and somewhat difficult change in my life. I don’t know what kind of physical or mental things I’m going to go through, but if I feel lazy and/or sick I’m just gonna give myself lots of TLC and time to be lazy.

When I quit alcohol, writing in the early days was crucial to my success. It’s also fascinating to go back (especially to my 2017 entries that were written in 2016) and see how different (and sick/sad) my thinking was. I’ll probably be updating this blog more than usual as I’m going through the early stages of abstaining from weed. The posts should be short though, unlike this one.

If you’re reading this, I’m asking for patience and grace. We’re all just a work in progress, including this blog 🤓

Posted on by Hella Moone · 5 Comments

Being Simply Rich

It’s a damp and cold Sunday morning, with the surprise of waking up to a dusting of snow. Yuck. It’s still falling– I wonder how much we’re going to get today. So far, this winter has been very kind to us here in Michigan. We’ve barely gotten any snow and the temperatures have been overall mild.

It’s hard to believe that Christmas was already like a week ago! It came and left so fast, if not for the family parties, I wouldn’t have hardly noticed it. I’ve spent the week trying to relish every second. I’ve hardly got anything done around the house, except for an enormous amount of sitting.

I’ve hardly deep cleaned the house, haven’t done any work for work and did zero workouts this week. I even made my boys walk the dog, because I just couldn’t get out there. It hasn’t helped that I’ve felt like I have a mild flu- with body aches and general feeling of being tired and unwell.

My hemoglobin (I think that’s the right one) is down to like 8 currently- which is very anemic, which might be the cause of how I feel. My doctors would like me to go to my hematologist for iron infusions and a blood transfusion if it gets too low. It’s so hard when you don’t trust the doctors and specialists. I’ve been learning more about iron and how if you have the Epstein Barr Virus (which I believe I do, based on my autoimmune symptoms), it feeds on iron so the symptoms can get worse. The EBV does not feed on plant iron, however, so I’m trying a plant iron supplement to see if it helps my anemia. I guess I’ll get the iron infusions if I absolutely have to, but I’m just not convinced that they do me any good.

The End

(got interrupted and never got back to writing..)

Monday, January 1, 2024

I’m writing with a new sense of hope and excitement!

First of all, NYE was pretty fun. We had some people over and played games. I passed out small solo cups with grapefruit juice to toast at midnight. For some reason, I really enjoyed this this year. I think maybe it’s because when I drank at my work Christmas party last month, I had the thought that maybe I’d drink on NYE. I have thought about moderation and that I could probably handle it if I drank every few months. But, I had zero desire to drink yesterday, and I was so grateful for that. And this time the juice was really tasty– I think all those smoothies really got me turned onto fruit ☺️

Secondly, I have a new word for 2024. It was supposed to be Bold Authenticity. I felt that I spent much of 2023 scrutinizing lots of things I was doing and putting into, or on my body. Now it’s time to really put it into practice. What makes me feel good? No, what really makes me feel good? It’s probably not going to be chocolate cake at midnight, or a shopping spree at the mall(although it seems like it would make me feel good!). Nope. It’s going to be an early morning workout, after work workout, making something, getting something useful finished, or abstaining from a desired substance at a particular time.

What I’ve realized is that the things that seem like they’ll make me happy, really make me unhappy. But the things that I put off, and dread– they’re the things that actually makes me feel happy! Isn’t that quite the conundrum? I mean, how weird, right?

While I scrutinized all year long, I also spent some time being fake. Like that time I drank at my work holiday party for the sake of fitting in, and trying to be liked. I know there were other times when I wasn’t completely honest with someone for numerous reasons such as fear of rejection, desire to be liked, wanting to fit in, not wanting to make someone mad, etc.

So I was going to focus on being boldly authentic this year. But I had another thought..

Simply Rich

I’ve also spent 2023 accumulating lots of clutter. Literal clutter, figurative clutter, clutter everywhere..

It’s time to get real about purging things that bring me down. This may need to include coffee and chocolate 😨

It is what it is. It’s not time for that though, not yet (ditching c & c)

But it is time for Dry January. And I’m glad I realized this on the first, so I can have the whole month. I know I’ve said this before, but I’m ready to put down the weed for a bit. At least a month, maybe longer. It’s part of simplifying my life. No more thoughts of how much I have left, no more trips to the dispensary- which will be a money saver- two for one bonus, no more thinking about if I have my pen on me- or if I want my pen on me, etc.

But this is day one, and you know me. How many day 1’s did I have when trying to stop drinking? Seems like hundreds- but it was probably more. I eventually triumphed over alcohol. However, I am way less invested in this substance than I was with alcohol. Additionally, it really no longer has any effect on me except making me tired, and hungry and lazy. Nothing but good can come from getting away from this.

Clutter shows up in many ways in my life. When I’m scrolling for hours mindlessly on my phone. Distancing myself from my phone more often is part of my decluttering plan. I also want to do something good I did for awhile last year. I would schedule a donation pick-up and would purge 4-5 bags of stuff. At the time of pick-up, I’d schedule another pick-up a month or so later with the same goal of purging several bags. This lasted about half the year, then it started to become harder to find stuff to get rid of. I’m going to have to be more flexible with this this year. I’m ready! 

Far too often, I find myself replacing things- sometimes things that are perfectly fine. I’m going to strive to do more recycling, repurposing and repairing. And making things instead of buying them- when possible and doable.

I’m ready to get real about finding and keeping my happiness.

I often have the thought, even in different situations and settings, that less is more. When looking at what really makes me happy, it’s always less that makes me the happiest. Well, almost always at least.

I spent loads of time in 2023 observing and collecting data. Now it’s time to use that data practically and apply it. Look at me, former science flunky turned into Ms. Science Experiment! 🤓

I guess that’s why I feel more happy and hopeful than I have for awhile.

It’s 2024 and I am Simply Rich! 🦄

Posted on by Hella Moone · 1 Comment

Bye Holidays, So Long 2023

It’s two days after Christmas and I’m grateful it’s over. The family parties were tough at times, but I managed to stay sane. Often, I’d blow up when we get home, from stress.

Or I’d complain to hubby about his mom venting to me. This time, he’s the one that complained. Normally, it’d make me angry to hear that my mean sister had talked smack about my hubby during my family’s party. I didn’t even care to hear what she had to say. And I was left wondering how I could allow crazy/insecure people to get under my skin in past years. I knew it has nothing to do with me– it never did. But I guess I didn’t believe it because if I heard that someone had been talking bad about me, my heart would start beating fast and I’d feel some intense emotion- usually anger, sometimes sadness. This time, I felt nothing. Nothing.

When people continue to complain about these things, about others talking smack or other toxic behaviors, anymore I look at them like they’re the crazy ones. I mean, if a person behaves a certain way, and is consistent for 1, 5, 10 or more years, well when are you going to stop being surprised when they continue to act this way (gossiping, picking favorites, acting mean towards certain people while elevating others)?

I’m very grateful to see it from this perspective. I spent way too many years being that person who is continuously surprised and disappointed with the difficult people in my life. Now I know not to have any expectations. None. And I learned how to be an observer, without getting sucked in. These two things have been game changers for my mental health.

But I’m so glad its over. So glad. And a little sad. Does anyone have a normal family? By normal, I mean not pretending everything is fine and dandy when you know there’s so much drama and contention between certain people. I just want no-nonsense, you see what you get. I’m tired of the secrets, the pretending and the shoving things under the rug. I guess the first step is living by example, but this is by far not my strong suit.

Now we get to just enjoy some time off. It’s been pretty great so far! I already got the grateful tree down and put away. I don’t have any Xmas decorations to take down. I want to get the carpet cleaned and do some deep cleaning– but I also want to relax, eat good food, play games and binge reality TV this week and next.

I’m grateful we didn’t go on a trip. The dog is still acting a little off (he’s on strong antibiotics- probably making him eat less) and both my kids were sick the day after Christmas. One had liquid coming out of both ends for most the day. The other says it feels like his head is filled with cement. Clearly some energetic cleansing is necessary too.

I’m grateful for the hope and wonder of a new year 🖤

Posted on by Hella Moone

The Week After

It’s been just over a week and alcohol is just as insignificant as it was before..

I’m relieved that this week has gone this way- I didn’t know how it would go or if I would start to crave wine or my old favorite- the White Russian.

The whole situation is ironic, to be honest. And completely and totally stupid.

I’ve had this underlying feeling at work, since I began there last year, that my department thinks that I’m like a “goody two shoes.” I knew that people were bringing their own alcohol to the party- and for days I thought about maybe bringing in a fake drink- just to act and feel normal and slightly rebellious. I didn’t end up following through with bringing an actual cup and a drink.

On the day of the party, I sat with my department after school as we waiting for the party to start. Something, or someone made me spit out, “Maybe we should go start drinking in our car.”

I’m still not quite sure why I said that. But I liked the reaction it got. This was way more funny to people than my usual lame humor. I guess the thought of drinking was in the back of my mind by now. I’d bet money that by this time, Betsy was in the driver’s seat.

Then there was the, “But you don’t drink, right?” I didn’t know what to say.. should I be honest? “Oh I love to drink!” I said. And was going to follow it up with, “But I’ve already had a couple lifetime allotments of alcohol..” but I didn’t say that part.

So when the bottle came around, I took a glass and said yes.

It felt good to feel normal, or maybe like my old self, for a minute. But that’s about how long it lasted.

When I said yes, I wasn’t sure how many glasses I’d drink. I knew that if I wanted more, then I would have more. Lucky for me, it was so nasty and left me feeling a little anxious, so no part of me wanted more. Plus, my posse seemed to all stop after one, there was no reason for me to have any more. I wondered what kind of weirdos just drank one glass of wine at a party.

I choked down the one drink and wasn’t so merry during or after the drink. Here’s what’s ironic..

The goal: To connect and fit in- I drank because I was so tired of feeling like a goody two shoes. I wanted to fit in, and for them to see that I can hold my own, and that I do like to drink. I’m not against it- I just don’t do it for personal reasons.

The result: My department watched me choke down my glass of wine. They probably saw the uncomfortableness in my face, no joy there. I did not look or act like the pro-drinker I used to be. I looked like a goody two shoes.

So now basically they have proof that I’m too good for alcohol. Yes, me, I guess I am a “goody two shoes.”

Isn’t that ironic? Don’t ya think?

Posted on by Hella Moone · 4 Comments

The Underwhelming Power of Alcohol

Sunday, December 10, 2023

It’s early Sunday morning and the house is incredibly peaceful.

The dim lighting from the tree in the otherwise darkness topped with high vibey music feels calm and I forget my worries for a while.

My dad is sick, my dog is sick, I’m sick and my joints are inflamed, and I drank last week. Those are my woes.

Yep, you read that right. I drank. Alcohol.

It was on Thursday, at my work holiday party.

Experiencing alcohol after over 4 years of abstinence, in a slightly anxious/irritating setting, was perhaps the most underwhelming experience of my life. Or maybe I just keep telling myself that.

It was not fun, at all. It was gross (red wine, so it was really gross). I drank 1/2 glass and then let someone add to it, so I had a total of about 1 glass of wine.

I noticed, as I sat there uncomfortably, that I had the urge to keep sipping, fast. I consciously chose water most the times, I didn’t want to look like the drink chugger I used to be. It was an interesting observation, though. I’ve always been a fast drinker. I felt flushed and maybe slightly buzzed, but the uncomfortable feelings overshadowed any feelings that may have been pleasurable.

I came home a couple of hours later and didn’t tell hubby what happened. Actually, I have been dealing with a shoulder flare this week and that night when I got home, it was hurting so bad I just kind of sat on the couch miserable for most of the night.

Mentally, I felt fine. I was not going to allow myself to berate myself or feel guilty. I knew that I had to put it behind me and try to forget it. But I worry.

Your addiction is doing pushups while you’re in recovery.

I couldn’t get this out of my head, and knew that I’d have Betsy to contend with.

She, actually, hasn’t come out of her room yet. But, I’d be willing to bet, her wrath is coming.

This is where I’m incredibly grateful for my past relapses. I could easily think that I’m cured, or maybe didn’t have a problem to begin with. Nope. I’ve been down this road before. It never ends well.

Regardless, I’m ready to put this and any negative thoughts associated with it behind me. If anything, it was a pretty big learning experience for me. Some of which I’m still processing.

Will I celebrate five years in March? No. Well, I take that back. I will celebrate my 5 years of not being a daily drinker. I’m not resetting my nearly 2000 days to zero. I’m a completely different person than I was back then. I’m going to keep tallying my days and celebrate the fact that I don’t drink. Maybe I’m an alcoholic. Maybe I’m not. It doesn’t matter. I’m not a drinker. And that’s only because drinking adds nothing to my life, but takes away everything.

It’s been quite a week. My dog has been sick and it’s really lingering. He’s been on antibiotics for over a week now, but he’s still coughing and refusing dog kibble. There’s this mystery k9 illness in our country and I think he has it. It lasts a long time and doesn’t respond to antibiotics.

He is doing okay, but our vet is worried and says that we need to watch him closely because they can get pneumonia and decline fast with this new illness. I was very worried last weekend, but his energy levels have been better as the week went on, so I’m hoping that he just continues to improve.

Also, my dad has pneumonia and has been coughing up blood since that dreadful night of the holiday party. He’s on antibiotics and will hopefully improve too.

My shoulder has felt a lot better since yesterday, but I’ve got a bad sore throat. I already have to write sub plans for Tuesday and Wednesday next week, I don’t want to have to be out tomorrow too. I’m out Tuesday for a training and then I took the day off on Wednesday because my diabetic son is getting an insulin pump and we have training and will put it in on Wednesday. That is very exciting!

He was diagnosed at 13, and for many years did not want any diabetic technology attached to him. He finally started wearing a continuous glucose monitor around the age of 15 or 16.

I’ve never blamed him for not wanting to wear these things. Especially the pump, it’s a bit overwhelming with tubes and things. Also, with the pump he no longer takes long acting insulin. This means that if the pump malfunctions (which does happen sometimes) he can go into DKA (which is bad and can be fatal- he’s never had it thank God). So we’ll have to make sure we test for ketones anytime his blood sugar is high. Also, he works at a pool and has to step in for the lifeguards when they are short staffed. He’s a little worried about having to disconnect it for work and how that’ll work, but I think the new pump is tubeless (or is going to be tubeless soon), so hopefully that won’t be an issue.

It looks like we’ll be home for Christmas, another downer. We have reservations to board our dog, but I’m thinking that unless he makes huge improvements this week, there’s no way I’m sending him after going through this long illness. I already stress when we have to board him because he’s getting so much older (9 1/2). Luckily, we haven’t bought plane tickets and kind of have been playing it by ear and planning to drive to Florida.

I shouldn’t stress, because I think he’s fine there. He boards at the daycare he’s gone to since he was a pup. He gets to play with dogs all day long, and can go inside/outside as he pleases. But I’m sure he misses us, and home!

Well, my Sunday is slowly but steadily escaping from me. I need to do some work this morning so hopefully I can relax later and do something fun.

This post seems incredibly underwhelming for the weight that it carries.

Let’s normalize and celebrate the underwhelming power of alcohol.