February 3, 2024

Day #34 of no weed. It was a good crutch for awhile, but now I know that I’ll never go back.

All my most precious jewels are made of paper, not metal.

You see, my hubby has this habit of making me a ring, out of straw wrappers every time we go out to eat.

He’s done this for years, but it wasn’t until recently that I began to really appreciate it.

It started with my nephew- the one who lived with us from about age 16-18. We’d often go out to eat, but I didn’t realize anyone was paying attention.

He’s been seeing his girlfriend for a couple of years now. A couple months ago, I learned that whenever they go out for a bite to eat, you guessed it, he makes her paper jewelry. I didn’t realize he was watching- let alone taking notes. I thought it was incredibly sweet.

About a month ago, we were at a restaurant with my son and his girlfriend, Lu. Right on cue, as our drinks came, hubby got to work. When Lu saw him put the ring on my finger and asked if it fit, and if I liked the style, she let out a big, “Awwwwwww,” and looked at my son admiringly. She’s a sentimental girl with a big heart, and envied that small act of kindness.

Hearing these things makes me appreciate the rings so much more. It reminds me, that it’s not so much our words, but our actions that influence our youngsters.

Lu and my son have been dating for several months, and she’s spent a decent amount of time with our family. She made (an amazing, amazing) salmon dinner last weekend and was later telling us that she was happy that our son helped her out in the kitchen. She remarked that while he had no idea what he was doing, he was cooperative and willing to learn.

We then talked about the importance of mutual respect and being kind to your significant other. I mean, if your partner is making dinner for your family, I would hope that you’d be willing. My hope is that he’d be that way regardless- but my bigger hope is that they, as a couple, learn to have those expectations and to treat each other well.

I’d like to think that we’ve done a decent job of modeling that for our boys. That’s all I want for them. I don’t care who they marry- male, female, brain surgeon, janitor- I don’t care. I just want them to have a happy and harmonious relationship– so when I hear things like my nephew making paper rings, like his uncle, it gives me hope that we’re teaching them through our actions, and that makes me very happy.

But, we’re far from perfect parents- so I try to focus on the good. I was reminded recently that we’ve made plenty of mistakes along the way.

The situation started a couple months ago, when my son claimed that the psychologist, Sara- who he’d been talking to since 2020- had a breakthrough with him. The big breakthrough is that he has ADHD, which contributed to learning difficulties, and lack of follow through. He said he can’t finish anything- even the things he enjoyed. She wanted him to see a psychiatrist and get on medication.

I was 100% not supportive. I mean, doesn’t everyone have a problem with follow through? I know I do! Even with things I enjoy. I told him that I thought I had the same thing, and that I tried Ritalin, and it worked the first couple of days, then my brain was back to normal. It didn’t work after that, unless I took more and more. So it was very dumb to me, and now I only take it when I need some energy- and I take three times the dose, and very occasionally- or else it would lose its effectiveness.

But, he kept bringing it up and made an appointment with a psychiatrist a few weeks later. But it would take a few weeks to get in.

The week before his appointment, he sent me and his dad an email while he was at work. It basically said, he’d failed all his college classes and hadn’t even been enrolled when he told us he had been. It was very apologetic and he claimed that he’s trying to fix this everlasting problem of him not being successful with college classes (he goes to the community college- taking prerequisites, so they’re typically pretty easy classes). It was so confusing because he was in the higher classes in high school, his English Language Arts class was advanced.

Then, we took him seriously.

We looked back, at his entire school history. Have you ever seen the message that talks about how kids with ADHD aren’t just lazy? Well, we thought he was just lazy. For years. We thought about all the times we had to get on him about his grades. He was so smart- why wasn’t he doing his homework? And failing certain classes? We had to ground him at times, in order for him to get his butt, and grades, in order. And his grades still weren’t that great, especially for how capable we knew he was. Or was he?

9th and 10th grade were a struggle with passing certain classes. Then 11th grade was the Covid year. With online learning, schools falling apart and hybrid learning- we didn’t have to keep on him so much. I think if Covid hadn’t come, his high school career may have looked a lot different. Perhaps we would have recognized these problems before now.

My profession is a special education teacher, and I let my kid go through his entire school experience with unrecognized Learning Difficulties. It’s so ironic- and stupid, really.

So the day of his psychiatry appointment, a few days after he sent us that dreaded letter, he and I had lunch. We laughed at the irony and I told him that it’s just a parents birthright to fail their kids in some ways. If you ever have kids, I said, it’ll happen to you too. I Probably when you least expect it.

I thought I was doing a pretty good job, not making the mistakes I saw the grownups in my own life make, including my parents. But the truth is, no one is perfect. And in a weird way, going through these things makes you stronger and more resilient so it would be a disservice to not fail your child in some ways, right?

But the good news is, he went to his appointment and while he was nervous to do so, he ended up relating to and really liking the doctor- who himself is on ADHD meds and younger, like in his 30’s. He put my kid on the same medication he’s on. It’s still to early to know if it’s helping, but at least he’s taking active measures to address these behaviors (he’s also doing cognitive brain therapy exercises- something his psychologist Sara is big on).

But I won’t focus on all my shortcomings. I’ll focus on the fact that I’m not rich, but I have more precious jewels than I know what to do with. I keep them safe in a box, because they’re a good reminder that while mistakes are inevitable, we all have the power to emit and spread the light and love that we carry deep in our heart ❤