Storytime…

I get to school early in the morning, and occasionally I walk in the front door at the same time as parents who are dropping off their child at the “before school” Care program– a program for parents who have to work early and need the school to look after their child until school starts.

A couple days ago, there was a parent walking in behind me. I let him in without checking his ID or to make sure that he had a key.

As I walked down the hall, I questioned if he was an intruder (he did have a kid with him, mind you). I then pictured him pulling out a gun and shooting everyone in sight. I know that sounds really morbid and awful- but I think it’s something teachers in America think about a lot. Especially since we had a school shooting a few towns over back in 2021. It’s real, and it happens, sad to say.

But what was worse was my reactive feeling to that daydream. It wasn’t the usually anxious scared I feel, like when I’m in a crowded theater and I imagine someone starting to shoot everywhere. It was relief.

Life has seemed so heavy lately. Getting away was nice, but having the break almost made going back to work so much harder. The weather has been cold and dreary and I’ve just felt, BLAH.. for quite awhile actually. I’m not suicidal- by any means. But, I’ve had death thoughts occasionally (like usual), but instead of making me sad for things I’d miss out on, they’ve been a relief type of feeling- like “Get me out of here!”

After that day a few days ago, when I daydreamed about being shot, I decided to get back on my antidepressant.

I miss my joy. I thought I found it a few weeks ago, when I started walking again, but really I’ve felt down now overall for like 75% of the time. The joy I found was short lived.

I hope going back on this helps. I know I have to continue keeping up on the self-care, but apparently, that’s just not enough. I hate the thought of taking more pharmaceuticals, but I quit taking them because I didn’t think they were working. Now I’m praying they were working because the misery I’ve felt these past couple of months is no fun.

I miss my joy!